It's not that you don't enjoy her company. On the contrary, it's been fun. You tell yourself that every day because it lessens the other feelings that feel as though they want to burn a hole through your chest. She's fun to be around. She likes ... some of the same things you like. She laughs at your stupid jokes, she calls you out when you're being a brat. She's good in bed, that's probably one of the more key things of why you are more than willing to look past the rest of it.

It begins with the nagging at the back of your mind getting stronger. For the longest time, you were stubborn, ignoring it because god dammit it hurt to think about. It had been a while since you've last seen her. That her that is still whispered with some kind of reverence. As though if you speak her name too loud, she'll appear and you'll have to face everything you've done to each other. You lie in bed and you think about her and it feels like you're being dishonest. No, not to the person lying next to you but the person you're thinking about, the one who you allowed to slip away because neither of you ended up willing to put up a fight.

It starts to become habit, thinking of her. You are increasingly distracted by the thought of her laughter, that loud ridiculous laugh that you'd swear made you fall in love with her in the first place. You fantasize about that dimpled smile, or the way she said your name. The crease in her brow when you prattle off in French because she doesn't understand a word you say. You kiss someone else and you miss all the more the feel of her lips. It's torture, it's dangerous, and it's sure as hell unhealthy.

All through this, you never call her, not once. You think about it daily. You even pick up the phone and stare down at her picture in your contacts. You remember that day on the beach, with her dark hair all wild in the breeze. It was too cold and neither of you were prepared, but you were going to have a beach day, dammit. It just gave you both the excuse to huddle together, until you ran to the car for reprieve and ... well that was a good day. One of the best. One you're convinced you'll never get to have with her again.

For the part of your current paramour, she is patient ... for a time. You don't know if she can sense you pulling away, but you certainly start to notice things about her. Rose colored glasses begin to slip and you see the bad parts. The really bad parts. Jealousy that rears up out of nowhere, irrational and hot-tempered in a way that sort of startles you. Deceit is right on its heels, as though she's trying to one-up you. You break it off and it's madness. She clings and kicks and you give in once, twice, maybe a third time. You want to give her the benefit of the doubt. You tell yourself you owe it to her. But she's lying to you the whole time. She just wants to win.

The storm passes, some months later, and you're still shaken by it. Weathered and bruised from something you shouldn't have to go through as an adult who can handle situations like one. You know how good it is that you are out of that, how much more at peace you will be ... but your mind has never left the one you truly want. Through all of the mess of a bad breakup, it was a constant thought in your head: wow, our breakup wasn't like this. Yes you hurt each other and you broke apart, but it wasn't vicious, it wasn't about the final jab and the drawing of blood.

You made a mistake, and it's never more painfully obvious than in the months after you're free of something worse, something you thought you wanted. There's no denying a soulmate, when that's exactly what the stronger part of you wants to reach for.

So you call her once. Out of the blue. You leave a message. You chicken out on calling again until she's the one in contact. You talk for hours, laugh like you used to, let those feelings of warmth surge through your chest and make you feel at peace again. At home again. It's a few weeks before you see her face, but when you do, it's as though there was never another option. You challenge each other, you hate each other and you love each other through it. You change each other because of the way you are together. She gives you another chance, you give her another chance right back. In the end, you trust her more than you trust anyone else, and it's worth it, to know where you belong.